Brian and i went to the Vandegrift game on Friday night. We took William because it was middle school night and the 7th and 8th grade football players from the two middle school that feed to VHS got to run through the viper tunnel with the varsity players. It's strange to think William may be a viper football player next year! He's done so well in football. It's funny to think we had him in golf lessons when he was you get because we thought him too fragile for contact sports. Now he's our strongest boy and one of the best players at CRMS. Brian and I got up at 4 am to take Margaret, Samuel, and Nick from down the street to VHS to ride the bus to the cross country meet in southwest Austin. Both of us were so tired! We tried to sleep a little in the car at an Einstein Bros. Margaret had another phenomenal race. She has continued to improve her times. I'm so glad we convinced her to stick with XC for this her final year. She's one of our fastest girls, in the top seven varsity. Very impressive for a team that's ranked one of the best in the state. Samuel had a good race as well. He almost let Anthony Monte, the freshman Viper beat him, but turned it on in the final yards and won. He's determined to stay the fastest viper. Vandegrift girls win the meet and our boys placed fifth. We came home and had a pretty unproductive day, at least on my part. Brian repaired the boys' closet shelf and put in the new back deck steps, so his day was productive. I've felt weepy for many days, but it has been a good kind of weepy: a broken, sorrowful for sin kind of weepy, the kind that leads to repentance and renewal. Brian and I went walking tonight and I read to him from my journal from 1999 - 2000. A few excerpts....

 Monday, December 6, 1999

 Exciting news - I may be pregnant! I'm going tomorrow to Dr. Love's office to get a bloodtest.....

Tuesday, December 7, 1999

Today I will find out if I'm pregnant or not. How wonderful it would be to have another child!.....

The results from the pregnancy test were inconclusive. My HCG level was only 6, meaning it is probably very early in the pregnancy. I'll go back in 2 weeks to get another test done. We're excited!

....I am still having trouble believing that I'm once again pregnant! Children are such a blessing!

I have been so emotional lately! Last night I broke down crying. Brian has been very patient with me. I've been meditating on Dueteronomy 6. I've also been crying out for avid to change me as o my He can.

December 23, 1999

It has been several days since I last wrote and so much has happened. I found out that I AM pregnant! I will be six weeks along tomorrow.

Tuesday, December 28, 1999

We are leaving east Texas now and are headed back to Austin. We've been up here since Saturday night. We told Brian's parents about the new baby and I guess they're excited. I had an allergic reaction to the progesterone injections Brian was having to give me, and I broke out in red whelps all over. I had to go to Good Shepherd Hosptial in Longview on Sunday. My doctor wants me to come in today when we get back to Austin.

Saturday, January 1, 2000

It's the new millennium and so far nothing unusual has happened. I guess everyone expected something to. I've been very sick with the flu since last Wednesday. My temperature reached 103.4 at one point. Dr. Love had me to go the emergency room yesterday to get checked out.....

Monday, January 3, 2000

Mama came over today to take care of me. She cooked, cleaned, and watched Margaret. It was such a big help to me!....

Tuesday, January 4, 2000

Today I was feeling some better. I went to my first OBGYN appointment for this pregnancy. I'm 7 weeks and 5 days pregnant and weigh 103 lbs. my pulse and blood pressure were good. Dr. Love gave me an inhaler because I was so wheezy. I did some shopping and then came home and rested....I've been very congested in my chest and feel like I'm drowning.

Sunday, January 9, 2000

Margaret is growing up so fast! She is able to do so many things now, and it's so much fun to watch her! She's adorable, too. She's very petite with tiny hands and feet, and has her daddy's olive skin.
We haven't yet talked about names for the new baby.

January 20, 2000

This morning I spent a lot of time studying Scripture. It was very refining and I felt myself draw near to my Savior. I met Brian for lunch and then ran some errands. Tomorrow I'm going to Brenham with Dad and Mama racist it's Grandpa Davis' birthday. We'll be back in the afternoon. Brian and I are drawing closer to each other and are learning to be gentler with our words. When we do err in our words or actions towards each other, we're learning to quickly make it right. We're getting past some of our selfishness.

January 23, 2000

I lost our precious baby. I began bleeding on Friday and it got worse. Today I bled terribly, losing big clots. It was rough to go through that, but we feel the Lord carrying is through.

Monday, January 24, 2000

This morning I saw Dr. Love. He was sorry to hear of the loss and confirmed to us that, yes, it was indeed a baby, something that the ER Doctor had told us was not the case when we went in on Saturday. The ER dr. said that the sack was empty and that there probably was never a baby there. I called Nancy McCasslin on Sunday for some advise and told her what the doctor has said and she also confirmed that there had to have been a baby there, but that it just didn't make it very long.
This evening we had a little service and gave our little ones back to God. Brian brought home a floral arrangement with a card attached that said "In loving memory of Baby Wells, January 23, 2000". Brian said some words and we shared our thoughts about this baby that we never knew. He then read some of Psalm 139 and we sang It Is Well With My Soul, and prayed and wept. We both cried so much! We then went for a walk up and down the long driveway and we had out margaret to bed. We shared our thoughts and the deepest things of our hearts. I've grown so close to Brian over these past several days. We've been through a lot since Friday. He has shown so much love and tender care for me, cleaning up my blood from all over, holding me when the tears began to fall, cleaning the house for me, and keeping up with Margaret. He's such a blessing!

Tuesday, Janaury 25, 2000

Neither Brian nor I thought we'd be hit so hard by the lost of a baby at this early stage of its life as we'd still not grown attached to it. But I guess we had. This evening we went on a date and it was good to have time to ourselves.we didn't have much to say. I guess we said everything yesterday and the day before. I felt cranky and irritable and we continually fighting an urge to complain.
I bought a charm for my charm bracelet for the baby. It's a heart and inside is a charm of a mother holding a baby. We're going to have "baby 1-23-00" engraved on the back.

Wednesday, January 26, 2000

I was so emotional today. I cried so much! I longed to be in Brian's arms because only he knew what I was feeling (besides the Lord, of course), and could understand my tears. We've grown very close. I asked him if we could just stay at home and not go to church. So we did. We had a good evening together. We cried some and laughed a little, too.

 So reads a portion of my journal. I've read through those pages several times in the last day or so and cry every time. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's a longing for the baby we never knew, the one who would've turned 16 this past August. When I picture it, it's always a boy, but we don't know for sure. Or maybe I cry out of pity for myself. I was so young. It had taken nearly a year to get pregnant with Margaret and then she was born a month early. Nine months later I was losing my second child. i was barely 24. I hadn't experienced five super easy conceptions and pregnancies, some "planned" but most of them not. We wondered if Margaret would be our only child. I wondered if I had permanently damaged my body from years of an eating disorder. Or maybe I cry for the beautiful simplicity but depth of faith that I had, something that's lacking in my life now. I thank God that I came across that journal. after I read to Brian last night we sat at the picnic table near the cul de sac and held each other and cried. He prayed for us and we thanked God for our children. Life is beautiful.