i have been so tired this week. i don't know if it is the heat, or that i'm closing in on my third trimester, or that i've done more physical work than usual. or maybe all of the above, but i've been beat! yesterday i had 9 clients on my Meals on Wheels route, which means my list is picking back up - yay! earlier this summer i had as few as 6. my clients are in two apartment buildings in a "55 and better" complex. i take the stairs to get in a little extra exercise. it's always hardest in the first building since i have two big insulated bags of meals to carry, but as i make deliveries my load obviously gets lighter. but now that i'm pregnant there is one load i carry with me the whole way and i'm really starting to feel it. it is getting tough to climb those stairs, and the apartment complex only has 4 floors.

i woke up at 4 am. with bad pains in my lower belly. i think it was round ligament pain. it felt like baby was standing on my spine and stretching out as tall as she could get. i'm betting that she'll be my biggest baby yet. Samuel has been my biggest at 7 pounds 7 ounces. if she comes out fully ripe, i wouldn't be surprised if she's 8 pounds.

i'm baking my mom's birthday cake right now. we'll all celebrate down at Port Aransas this weekend. it should be great fun to have the three of us kids and all ten cousins together for the weekend.

i haven't removed myself from the Maplewood yahoo group and i've been getting more messages now that the school year looms so near. part of me has a sense of sadness that we'll not be a part of things this year. Maplewood made great strides this year and became a Recognized school for the first time since the ratings have been established. i'll miss the sweet times i had with the librarian, Ms. Cobb. i'll miss hanging out in the office with Ms. Banks and Ms. Monica. there is a sense of disappointment that John won't have the wonderful 2nd grade teacher, Ms. Van Nort, and that Samuel won't have the great 5th grade teachers Ms. Kelsey and Mr. Levi. and there is sadness about abandoning friendships it took a couple of years to establish.

BUT,

i also feel a sense of relief that i can cluster my chicks around me and have them close for a little longer. there is so much i want to experience with them, so many things i want them to learn before they take to their wings.

it's interesting to read other people's opinions on education. and there are so many opinions out there. i can't say i have found the particular camp i fit into. i read supporters of public school and think, "yeah, yeah! that's what i believe!" but then i read something by a supporter of non-traditional forms of education, and think, "hmmm, yeah, that makes a lot of sense." i guess i'm not 100% on board any certain method. there are things about every path we've tried that i like, nay, love, and then there are things i don't like, even detest with each. one thing i really like about public school is that there is no status in saying that you send your kids to public school, particularly an inner-city public school as we did. it's every man's education and there isn't anything elite about it. i find myself in the camp of my liberal neighbors in the regard that i can't tolerate elitism. and that attitude was prevalent in the private school circles we were in and even more so in the homeschool circles we've moved in. but it makes sense.  with private school, you are paying so that your children can attend better than average schools. you're making sacrifices that others are not which gives you a sense of superiority. with homeschooling, you are everything to your kids and your whole identity is wrapped up in how they turn out. you're sacrificing your everything to educate your kids. you get all the credit for how well they do. of course you also hold the bill if they can't read of write, but i've yet to find a homeschooled kid that can't read or write at a decent age. we move in a circle of pretty educated people (not that we are - heck, i wasn't considered a high school graduate until i was 30 -  but a lot of our friends are), and they all have high expectations for their kids, wanting them to achieve above and beyond what they themselves have. most are homeschoolers of the highest order. alot is riding on whether Johnny got his latin chants exactly right, or whether 4 year old Suzie can tell you all about who Gorbachev was/is. if he or she doesn't come through for mama, mama will look like she's not doing her job. mama might be looked at as a failure of a teacher and that means a failure as a mother, too.

there just seems to be a lot of competition between homeschool moms. not all are this way, but many that i've encountered. so in many ways, i feel i fit in better with the non-homeschool parents. there is a humble attitude of, no, i know i can't be everything to kids and i have to delegate some parts of their training to others.

i just don't see us joining a co-op this year of homschooling. i think i would fall prey to that jockeying for position thing, that competition to be the mom/teacher that gets the most accolades. women are insecure, myself included, and are looking for a place to shine above their peers. for the woman who didn't succeed as the beauty queen, or isn't a good athlete or even in shape, who can't seem to get the crafty thing down, and has not sense of style, well homeschooling might just be a thing she can be successful at, something she can hang her hat on and receive praise for.

i hope i don't sound too cynical, it's just that i've been in homeschool circles for 25 years, Christian school for even longer, and public school for a couple of years, and these are my general observations. i will say that i know individual families who homeschool beautifully with grace and humility, who don't seem in competition with anyone else and who have nothing to prove to anyone else. these families are a delight to be around and make you feel at ease.

well, i've gone on and on and have probably offended what few readers i have. if it's any consolation, i didn't have any of my possible, probable readers in mind when i blogged this.

i would love to write more, kind of wrap this thing up, but we're about to drive away to the beach for the weekend. this will be the first of three weekends at the beach, and then it'll be time to hit the books big time!

have a great weekend, y'all!